My heart hurts.

There’s so much in life we can’t control. There’s so much evil in the world. Sometimes it feels like I’m living in my own personal hell. Maybe I deserve to be surrounded by evil people because of my past karma. Maybe I’m not a good person and I’m just trying to hide behind a mask of spiritual awakening. Or maybe perhaps our perception of the world as good or bad has to do with our mindset at the present moment. Maybe we have a choice in each moment to live in Heaven or Hell, every day, here on Earth.

My teacher Tim Feldmann asked this question during a recent week-long virtual retreat. I always thought I knew why, but when he asked this question, for some reason I felt the need to explore it further. Is it just to feel good? Is it because it’s fun? Is there a physical goal associated with it? Or is there a deeper reason, beyond any physical sensations or attainments, which keeps me coming back to my mat every day?

Coronavirus. George Floyd. Protests. Riots. Murder Hornets. 2020 has been a test in physical and mental strength. How much more can we endure? It’s no wonder many of us are starting to feel uneasy, anxious, and depressed. There’s so much uncertainty in the world today. So much fear, so much unknown. The ever-present threat of change in everything we’ve ever known life to be.

How do we cope? How do we approach life when there’s so much trauma and pain surrounding us? How can we heal our bodies and minds when we can’t control anything around us?

According to the Bhagavad Gita, “Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self.” What is the self this is referring to? It is our ultimate, TRUE nature. Yoga connects us with our truth, and it is our duty to act in accordance with this truth every day.

Ahimsa is the first of Patanjali’s Yamas, or the Yogis’s ethical and moral guidelines towards society. Directly translated as “non-violence”, we can also understand Ahimsa to mean non-harm, compassion, mercy, peace, and love towards all beings. Patanjali called this practice of Ahimsa ‘Mahavrtam’, or the Great Vow which sincerely resides within the Yoga practitioner’s heart. Without Ahimsa, we cannot progress along the path of yoga.

When you think of the word ‘yoga,’ what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

It may be stretching, difficult poses, or flowing sequences, or maybe it’s tight pants, mats, or busy studios. But what is Yoga really about? This age-old practice that’s been around for thousands of years didn’t start with Lululemon, Instagram, or heated studios (believe it or not). The ancient Yogis weren’t balancing on one hand or putting their legs behind their heads. They didn’t wear expensive clothing or make funky playlists. So, what is Yoga, where did it come from, and how can we learn to live the yogic life in the 21st century?

I fell today. I was entering an arm balance pose that I’ve done hundreds of times before, and I hit my chin straight down onto my hard, stone-tiled floor. I cut my chin open and bruised my jaw, but once the bleeding stopped and the shock of the fall wore off, the most pain was felt on the inside, in my heart. My ego was injured more than anything. This wasn’t the first time I’ve fallen – I fall quite often, and once before it even landed me in the emergency room and left me with 5 stitches in my leg. But at least that pose was a new one for me, and a much more challenging one than today. Today I thought: How could I fall out of a pose from Primary Series which I’ve been doing for years with little effort? Am I just a bad yogi? Will I always be weak? Maybe I’m not meant to practice Ashtanga, a very physically demanding style of yoga. Why is it that the things you love the most often cause you the most pain?