Falling Into My Self
I fell today. I was entering an arm balance pose that I’ve done hundreds of times before, and I hit my chin straight down onto my hard, stone-tiled floor. I cut my chin open and bruised my jaw, but once the bleeding stopped and the shock of the fall wore off, the most pain was felt on the inside, in my heart. My ego was injured more than anything. This wasn’t the first time I’ve fallen – I fall quite often, and once before it even landed me in the emergency room and left me with 5 stitches in my leg. But at least that pose was a new one for me, and a much more challenging one than today. Today I thought: How could I fall out of a pose from Primary Series which I’ve been doing for years with little effort? Am I just a bad yogi? Will I always be weak? Maybe I’m not meant to practice Ashtanga, a very physically demanding style of yoga. Why is it that the things you love the most often cause you the most pain?
A few hours later, after leaving Urgent Care with a glued-up chin, I realized – this is the work of yoga. Not to give us injuries of course, but to open us up to our vulnerabilities to ultimately make us stronger, more peaceful, and whole. My lack of physical strength makes me feel mentally weak. I feel despair when I see other yoga practitioners easily pressing up into handstands and other difficult arm balances. I compare, judge, and criticize myself. I so badly want to be able to perform all of the poses with perfection, and to be the best. I try not to admit it, but I know deep down that I want to be recognized for my skills, want to be known as a great yogi. I’ve always been competitive and yoga is no exception. But this is not what yoga is about.
The goal of Yoga, as defined in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra 1:2, is to still the mind. The asanas, or yoga poses, are just a tool we use to to help us find a clear, peaceful mind, which is our true nature. The poses themselves are not the goal of yoga. Many of us Westerners tend to forget this, or know Yoga as only exercise. We are conditioned to focus on external, rather than internal markers of success. By thinking in this way, as Patanjali reminds us in Sutra 1:4, we are identifying with our ego, the collection of our thoughts, experiences, belongings, and other worldly attainments as our perceived sense of “Self.” We often lose touch with our true Self, our unchanging, pure, spiritual nature. A Sri Swami Satchinananda explains,
“That’s why Yoga is based on self-reformation, self-control and self-adjustment. When this reformation is accomplished we will see a new world, a harmonious and happy world.”
This is why we practice Yoga, to return to our true nature, free from the confines of our ego and delusions. When we truly practice Yoga, we actively change our minds, and ultimately, our entire perspective on the world around us.
By falling today, and by being upset about it, I was reminded of my own self-attachment, and the great amount of work that still lies ahead in my journey as a Yogi. I was reminded that Yoga, and life, is all about the process, and not about perfection. I always get hurt when I move too fast. This is why moving mindfully is so important. It’s about staying aware of your body and mind in every moment, and every second in between those moments. When I lose this presence and instead focus only on the final goal, I fall. Yoga, just like life, needs to be practiced carefully. When we try to do too much too quickly, without proper planning, we often fail or get hurt. Whether it’s a yoga pose or a business venture, it’s important to work slowly and thoughtfully, taking small steps which lead to our eventual goal. We need to remember that life, and yoga, is about the process, the journey, the small moments, and not about reaching a specific goal. Let’s all slow down, be kind to ourselves, and enjoy it.
