Befriending the Struggle
I have been stuck on the same pose in my Ashtanga practice since February. It’s the first pose in the practice that really requires upper body strength and it’s just not happening for me.
In a recent practice, it really wasn’t working. Not to mention that I had just eaten a snack before practice (big no-no) and felt like I was trying to lift a literal ton of lard off the ground. I felt weak, fat, and just like a failure. I wanted to run and give up. I became extremely frustrated with myself and then with my teacher who wanted me to keep trying. I remembered all the times I’ve never felt good enough in my life. I remembered falling out of fouettes in ballet class. I remembered being rejected by the popular kids in school. I remembered my broken heart and nights spent alone and stoned in my room.
“Yoga shouldn’t make me feel like this”, I thought. “Yoga should make me feel good, not like a failure. I should be good at yoga. I should be able to do this pose because XX can do it and started practicing later than me. It’s not fair. Maybe I should just practice Yin Yoga and Meditation instead. Do I really need this Ashtanga practice that is so insanely hard?”
After practicing the pose (unsuccessfully) several more times with all those thoughts passing through my head, it hit me. “Yes, you do need this practice. Yoga is not meant to be easy. It’s meant to challenge us, bring up our darkness, our self-degrading thoughts, the emotions we carry deep within our souls so that we can notice them, work through them, and overcome them.” The voice in my head told me: “You are attached to this pose. You think you should be ‘good at yoga’ because you’re flexible and take pretty pictures. Your ego is getting in the way because you don’t want people to see you fail. This is your work. Remaining unattached to the outcome of a pose, letting go of the end result and just working with a calm and peaceful mind in your work. Letting go of the need to be the best is your work. Letting go of your competitive nature and need to impress others is your work. You are on a journey, not in a race. This struggle you’re facing now is a gift. If everything were easy, you would never grow. Accept and cherish this gift of the struggle. The work is where your practice lies. Balancing on your forearms doesn’t make you a ‘good yogi,’ but controlling your mind, ego, and emotions just might make you a better and happier human being.”
Embrace the work. Don’t believe every photo you see on the Internet. Pretty pictures are fun, but the real Yoga practice happens within, in parts unseen. Go deeper, find your struggle, and thank this gift of difficulty you’ve been given. Make this struggle your best friend and teacher. It’s in these delicate relationships where you will learn to uncover the deepest, darkest places within your soul. Fall in love with the practice, and then fall in love with yourself.
